THE MAN SHE LOVED SHORT STORY written by MARINI BARIKA FACEY October 28, 2010
Quiet.
Dim!
I really miss you... For sanity's sake I always make myself put a positive spin on how I view you, even though you are never around. Ha, which may be my own state of denial, but today I will be enthusiastic and hopeful... ...but my mind will always play devil's advocate, because it knows the real you all too well.
Here's a toast to the one I love:
You are probably out saving the world or (drunk as hell!)
You were really in a rush and pushed someone over to get that last taxi first, (but because people were watching, you made it seem as if you love to help old women cross the street.)
You are so studious and well-learned; Oh, but you have to be because of your high position, so I am to be understanding and forgiving when you are gone all hours of the evening and morning, (but really you are out enjoying the company of women of the night, and always seem to remember to bring me back a present, the stench of their perfume and the haunting echoes from their whispers and laughter.)
You love being passionate and getting people excited to be on your side, (but when you speak to me, you are always gracing me with your cold silence and harsh words.)
You are so assertive and confident in public, (but the you I am so honored to see, is aggressive and hostile towards me.)
Women of all ages come up to me and say, "Don't you just love him?! We love him so much!" (Ha, I laugh to myself and say, "Oh my dear, I wouldn't let you have him, or even introduce you to such hostility and misery! I wouldn't even wish him onto an enemy!")
One time a beautiful, young girl came up to me and said, "It is probably like so awesome to spend like time with him!" (I whispered to myself after she left, "His heart is cold! His pride is set! His hatred is poison!")
Oh, one I love, I never meant to have these opposing thoughts, because I believe in you! I've believed in you so much that I have been a naive, doe-eyed wife who has finally found out your secrets and the truth about you, so please forgive me for not being naive anymore.
Oh don't worry my love, I will still wave and smile, because no one knows it drips with bitterness...
I didn't ask you to save the world!
I didn't ask you to walk the old lady across the street!
...or to be so darn studious that even your eyeglasses are blind!
So passionate. So assertive. So confident. So charming. So persuasive.
I didn't ask you to be these things, because you are already these things by default! You don't necessarily have to cultivate anything, or even have a conscience; you choose to be numb and detached!
What I have asked from you, you avoid or say you already are "that way", and how dare I accuse you...
...but your corruption begs to differ as it follows you like stray animals through these doors! Our house now has the putrid scent of deceit!
All I've asked, pleading with you for, is integrity, love, loyalty, gentleness, humility, honesty, and to be wise...
...but you refuse!
This doe-eyed girl has lost sleep waiting for you to show up, and these dark circles can't be hidden very well for much longer!
My honesty has been considered a lack of respect, so you always take it upon yourself to put me in line, but make-up can't conceal everything!
You should be startled and concerned, because what I've lost now is the most important thing you need!
...it was even coined your asset once!
My tears have dried, not one can drop, and that silence is the sound of my empathy that has stopped!
In my attempt to not be like you, I have become you!
I am numb and detached!
I smile and wave at the crowd...
...Oh and I've even mastered the art of persuasion and changing the subject very well!
We were made for each other...
...Ha, wait!
I forgot, you made me!
I am like one of your "mad men" now!
I go home alone, wipe off my mascara, and wipe off every fake smile! You are still out, but I don't care much anymore! I live in this big, fancy house with big fancy curtains, and I have
the best company in the world now...
...your stray animals and the stench of perfume!
Here's a toast to the man I love!
I light a Camel and put ice in a glass.
What will I have this time?
Whiskey?
Bourbon?
Rum?
Anything on the rocks, because that's where I want to drown!
I used to drown in tears, but those have even dried up!
I crash into this big couch surrounded by big mirrors and fancy paintings, but every time I crash into this couch...
...I wish it was sharp, jagged rocks, and the depths of the sea, because it couldn't possibly be colder?
It couldn't possibly be more painful?
I guess I should get up and turn out these lights because you aren't coming home! I am the cigarette in your mouth, which once gave you so much pleasure, but now that it's useless, you flick it away!
I am the bud of your cigarette, crushed and all the light has gone out of me...